Valerie Reese, CTIE
While you may hear some people use the term loosely and say things like, “Food is my love language” or “Coffee is my love language” the concept of a love language actually has much deeper and wide-reaching implications for personal and business relationships everywhere. Dr. Gary Chapman, an author, speaker, and marriage counselor, coined the phrase with the title of his 1995 book The Five Love Languages, in which he aims to explain and define the five main ways in which the majority of people receive and show love, affection, and appreciation within romantic relationships. First, I will demonstrate the love languages as Dr. Chapman first relayed them, in terms of how they affect personal, romantic relationships. Then, I will show how this can be translated and utilized for those of us working in the travel industry.
The first love language is “Words of Affirmation”. People who have this as their dominant love language get the most personal satisfaction and fulfillment out of literally hearing how much they mean to their partner. I would venture to say that in this generation, the majority of people are not accustomed to verbally expressing their feelings. Instead, we are much keener on digital interaction, or even just assuming that someone knows how we feel about them. However, to someone with this love language, having a written or verbal expression of feelings makes all the difference. “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, or “You make me so happy” are good examples of this love language in action.
Life is busy, and it can be all too easy for us to fall into the trap of filling every possible second of our days with work, errands, or activities. For those who have the primary love language of “Quality Time”, making time in your busy schedule to be with them is the best thing you could do. Particularly when you are busy, carving out the time to put your full attention on your partner shows them that you believe that your most valuable, nonrenewable resource (time) is best spent with them.
For some, receiving gifts from their loved ones is how they feel most admired and appreciated. While this may sound vane or materialistic at first, it truly goes deeper than that. When done right, choosing a gift for someone shows that you really know them and know what they like. It says, “I took the time to find and purchase something for you that I knew you would find special”, whether it is small or large. We all work hard for the money that we earn, and if you are in a relationship with someone whose love language is “receiving gifts”, you learn to “put your money where your mouth is” with material gifts.
For anyone who puts a lot of weight on “Acts of Service”, it is not only the time that you give your partner, but what you do with that time. As discussed earlier, most everyone would say that they are busy, and finding the time to add even more or different activities to their day is not always easy. However, for these people, taking the time to be intentional and actively do something that you know the other person would appreciate is a big deal. For instance, a single mom with this love language might most appreciate someone taking care of some of the housework. A busy college student with this love language might feel most loved by having a parent or friend come over and help them organize their schoolwork. Being intentional with the time that you have with someone and taking care of something that you know is important to them will speak volumes.
Physical touch, to some, is the most important expression of love. It is a symbol to the outside world, something “tangible” so to speak, that shows how important your counterpart is to you. For these people, physical touch is simply the gateway to intimacy on a deeper level, and opens the door for each person to feel more trusted, vulnerable, and connected in the relationship.
The most important thing within the world of love languages is realizing that how you typically or naturally express love may or may not be identical to the way that your partner most likes to receive love. You may think that you are showing your partner love by buying them gifts, because to you money is very important; but your partner may have the love language of quality time and feels vastly more appreciated when you simply set aside time to be with them. It is crucial to a successful and thriving relationship that you get to know each other’s love languages and make an effort to show them love in a way that means something to them. This ties in directly with emotional intelligence – being aware enough to realize that someone may communicate differently from you and learning to adapt accordingly. If you and your partners natural love languages do not necessarily match up on their own, this can take time and effort on everyone’s part.
In the same way, it is imperative for those of us working in the travel industry to hone in on what “love language” our colleagues and clients are operating within. Healthy relationships within our offices, communities, professional organizations, and our clients rely on us picking up on what is important to each other and adjusting the way we operate.
While you may easily be able to envision how some of these love languages can translate from a personal relationship to a business relationship, some of them might be slightly more difficult. However, with my explanation below, hopefully it will become clear how these love languages relate to the DISC personality styles and how we can all learn to better apply them to our business relationships.
DISC is one of the many tools that exist to help people learn about their dominant personality style and how they can best relate to people who have different dominant styles. When you go through the DISC personality test, you end up finding out which letter from D.I.S.C is your “high” letter, meaning your most dominant personality style. As I outline each high style, keep in mind that these are generalizations, and since most people do not fall one hundred percent within a single category, you may find traits of yourself or those you know within more than one style.
Those who end up with High D as their dominant style tend to be quick decision makers and task oriented. As the D suggests, they tend to be direct, determined, and domineering, focusing mainly on results rather than the people they encounter along the way. This is not an atypical personality style to see in people who are in positions of authority. It is likely that their bold and determined attitude is what helped them rise to the top, though it may not have necessarily made them the most friends along the way. High D’s are not likely to correspond with the “physical touch” love language in the workplace. Since they are highly motivated and focused on results, they may fall within the “quality time” category. In other words, they are going to feel like you are working your hardest when they can see you putting in extra time and effort for the company, and coming out with the ideal business results because of it.
If you learn, for example, that your boss has this love language of quality time, saying that you are going to work harder is not going to make them happy. They will not be motivated by receiving an extra special or thoughtful Christmas gift. They would much rather see you arriving to the office early, staying late, or going to work functions outside of office hours in an effort to build your career or business relationship with them. High D’s may have a hard time learning about others love languages and applying those to their own interactions though, as they typically have the “my way or the highway” viewpoint.
Similarly, clients that are high D’s are going to want to see what you have done for them rather then just hear pleasantries. Instead of telling them how great you are, show them how great you are by clearly and plainly showing them what you have brought to the table.
High I’s are, in some ways, opposite from the D’s. They are incredibly “people focused” and are warm and trusting of others. While this style is considered “dominant”, they are more animated, talkative, and motivational than the D’s. Because they love to talk, they may tend to express love or appreciation in the “words of affirmation” love language. Working with some of the other DISC styles may be a challenge for them, though, as they have to work to translate their numerous words into actions or data.
If you have a colleague with this love language, you may find their verbal affirmations helpful. We all like to hear how valued we are or that we are doing a good job from time to time. However, if you tend to lean more towards the D or C styles, you may hear their nice words and think, “Yes, but what are going to DO about it?” Again, if your clients are of this style, you will need to present your information with data, numbers, or evidence rather than sweet words or stories.
High S personalities are the most common personalities of them all, so you are likely to come in contact with many of them. They are slow and steady, staying focused on their work. They are not prone to the highs and lows that some of the other styles are, and tend to be consistent and reliable. High S’s do not like change and will be slow to accept it when it comes their way. Because their basic fear is change or a loss of stability, they can be overly willing to give in when pushed. They are good listeners and desire to help people. Because of this, they may be the best of the styles at picking up on other people’s love languages and applying those to their interactions.
You have probably known someone with a High S personality before. They are the people in your work place that pick up on the emotions, thoughts, and feelings of others. For instance, you may have mentioned to a hotel rep at a luncheon 2 months ago that you are mainly focused on selling family travel, and the next time you see them they specifically bring you some collateral and goodies that you can give to your family-oriented travelers. They are listening and paying attention to the words and actions of their colleagues, and using those to better their business relationships with them.
As an employee, this personality style is great to have in the office, as they tend to get along well with others and may even go out of their way to make other as comfortable as possible. If you are selling to this personality style, be sure to adapt to them and not overrun them with your harsher style, as they may not stand up for themselves enough. If you have a couple come in where one person is a high D for example and the other is a high S, you will have to work a bit harder to accommodate both of them, and hone in on what the S is saying which might get overrun by the D.
High C’s are analytical, critical, and comply with all of the rules. They are task-oriented perfectionists who focus more on the data than the people and emotions around them. To make a connection with a High C colleague, you need to speak their language, which is likely in numbers. If applicable, show them some numbers in regards to your product. Instead of telling them how much people love the property you represent, for example, bring them some statistics of repeat clients, occupancy rates, or the like. People can exaggerate or even fabricate, but High C’s know that numbers do not lie.
If your client is a High C, you may have to do a bit more work to show them the value in some of the amenities you are offering, or do a breakdown of price comparison between two cruise lines to show them, down the dollar, which one is a “better deal”.
Most people, without consciously learning about themselves and their clients, cannot comprehend that not everyone receives and digests love and appreciation the same way that they do. As mentioned earlier, it is crucial to personal relationships, as well as business relationships, to make an effort to learn how the other party best communicates and understands.
As a Travel Advisor, this is most relevant in getting to know your clients. You cannot sell to every client the same way (or at least, you will not be as successful as possible in doing so). Instead, you need to be intentional about listening to your clients and picking up on what is important to them. For some clients, setting aside the time for them to come into the office and chat face to face is most important (quality time). They want to build a relationship with you as their advisor and get to know each other (High I or High S). For others, they are less interested in getting to know you personally and simply want to know that you are doing your job efficiently and communicating with them clearly (High C or High D).
As mentioned, it is important to remember that in both DISC styles and love languages, most people do not fit one hundred percent within any one category, but rather are a combination of 2 or 3, with one typically being the most dominant. Clients may even differ slightly as they age, or as they take different kinds of trips. If, for example, you handle a client’s corporate travels, you will see that they communicate one way. If they then use you for a leisure trip for their family, it may be like you are talking to a different person. It is up to us as the travel advisor to be attentive and alert to the concerns of the client on each and every trip they take with us.
In the same way, if you begin working with a client when they are younger and going on their honeymoon, you will hopefully grow along with them as they age and mature and begin looking for different kinds of trips. Their honeymoon will be different than the trip they take with their kids, and that trip will be different from how they travel in retirement.
To properly use the love languages, whether in relationships or the travel industry, it is imperative that you take the time and act intentionally to get to know the other party deeply. Just like you cannot sell with your own wallet in mind, you cannot sell to all clients the way in which you like to be sold on something. Assumptions could kill a relationship and without intentional effort, you will not thrive in the love languages of the travel industry.
Hopefully, as you have gone through the pages of his paper, scenarios in which you can apply the love languages and DISC personality styles in the workplace have popped into your mind. Without having the ability to dive into each one, here are a few more examples of work relationships where you can and should strive to apply what we have talked about:
- Relationships with coworkers
- Boss to employee/employee to boss
- Colleague to colleague
- Relationships with vendors
- Selling to and building relationships with current clients
- Bringing in new clients
- Giving a presentation
- Constantly improving on your emotional intelligence and knowing your own style to best keep yourself motivated. This will help you know how you tend to operate in the work space.
